Yesterday, I spent a large majority of my day crying. My kids were at camp, I was busy and doing things on my to-do list. Suddenly, out of nowhere, I was punched in the stomach with Loss. Yes, with a capital L. It might have been the music playing on pandora, might have been just the mundane things I was doing that were just like what we used to do. But it was there, and the tears flowed freely.
When I blogged last night, I was in the middle of that all. And then I was ok today, got some crafting done, cleaned the kitchen deeply, and basically felt fine.
Then. Nighttime came. The kidlets went to bed, and it hit me again. I feel like I've pinpointed what is bothering me right now, what Loss it is that hurts now. The lack of companionship, the loneliness when I am truly ALONE. I've gone through Loss at what we had, Loss at what my kids won't have, Loss of confidence and even embarrassment. (Still there, can't seem to say I'm divorced, I feel the need to say my husband left me because it seems less on me and more distanced.). But I'm so lonely.
I miss sharing my day with my husband, talking about things i see in the internets or that my friends did or said, observations and thoughts about the world. These things I can't talk to my kidlets about. I miss sleeping next to a warm body. I miss sharing responsibility. I miss sex. I miss kissing. I miss Friday night plans at home and date nights and weeknights doing dishes and watching t.v with someone. Did I mention I miss sex?
See, lonely.
I found this article tonight while looking for the holy grail cure for depression after divorce. :). While I didn't find that, I found this worthwhile and close to home.
http://www.pbs.org/thisemotionallife/blogs/how-parents-can-prevent-depression-after-divorce
Off to my empty bed to watch tv alone.
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