Feelings July 26

I don't know where I want this blog to go. It might be that I just want to talk to myself

It might be tired of telling my friends about the same thing that I'm sure they are sick of hearing about.  I imagine when I'm talking they're thinking, "get over this already it's been almost a year and a half."  Of course they're good friends so they always listen and let me talk and give me great advice or just the pat or a hug.

But there are  sometimes when I get so caught up in life and I realize I haven't thought about everything.   And then suddenly it hits. I am overwhelmed with the sense of loneliness or anger or sadness and regret.  At the same time I want to punch a wall and curl up in a ball and cry.  And while I'm sure that these feelings are "normal" they feel like they're bursting from me and I don't know what to do with them.

So perhaps this is a place where I can get out what I'm feeling. A place where I don't have to burden my friends who might get worried that I'm not moving on.  Maybe I will feel less like exploding if I at least write these things down.

Today I just feel angry. I'm angry that he walked out on what we had built. It may not have been perfect but whose life really is.  I'm angry that he left me to deal with everything. That on top of all the responsibilities of what we had before I  have the added responsibility of trying to do even better by my kids so they don't suffer from this.   That he can go days and weeks without calling and then act upset when they don't want to talk to him.  And that when he is angry or depressed or upset that he just drops off the face of the earth.  When he is tired or busy he just doesn't have to be a parent, as little as he does.  No contact.  No calls.

I hate that he gets to know every single detail of my life but tells me nothing about his.

I hate that even though I want to have a civil friendly relationship so we can raise the kids together and discuss their successes and failures he is unable to even talk to me without being rude or hateful.  Today when I asked to ask him a question after he was done talking to my son, he answered with, "what? ". He won't even allow us to be nice to each other.  So what makes me angry is that not only did he steal the 50 years of marriage from me, he has stolen what could be a kind, cooperative coparenting relationship. He basically wants to have nothing to do with me which isn't realistic for the next 15 years.

I am just angry.