You know what I'm afraid of? I'm afraid that I'm never going to be able to have a normal relationship again. I am afraid that I will always be "waiting" for the hurt, always on defense and ready. I feel like I have put up this barrier because I will never ever forget how much it physically hurt when he left. Even thinking about it makes me lose my breath, makes me feel nauseous. I worry that when I do meet someone I will feel so guarded that I won't be able to give of myself.
I hate that. I hate that he made me like this. I have always been the kind of person that gives everything to others, been proud of how I would be a friend that would sacrifice for others. And I can see that even in my own friendships I'm so damn afraid that I will be hurt, so worried about someone making me feel small and insignificant and just of them letting me down, that I"m hesitant to even be hopeful.
Loss of hope.
Loss of openness.
Loss of self worth.
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