I think I might need to start seeing a therapist, but who has the time?

Seriously, I cannot stop being SAD!  My kids have been with their dad for the last week (1 more week) and it has gotten me to the point where I can't accomplish anything, can't seem to function much other than basic needs.  Even just now, I started dinner cooking, and then I ended burning it because I forgot it was cooking, so I don't have anything to eat now.

I miss them terribly, and it makes me start thinking about how much he must miss them because he only sees them a few times per year.

The truth is, I would do anything to make our family whole again.  And I would do anything to make him better so he could see how to do it.  But it's all completely out of my control.  That's what is so hard for me, no matter how much I wish and pray and hope that it will all be a nightmare, it is just not going to change unless he decides to change it.

I fear it might be too late.

Moving on....how to not do it...

*Don't form a relationship with a married man friend that goes beyond what it should because you are emotionally connected and totally vulnerable to wanting to feel important.  
*Don't be surprised when he ends up hurting you because you just aren't that important to him.
*  don't start thinking that you'll never find someone who doesn't want to hurt you, who does want to kiss you and hold hands and just spend time with you, who does think you are special.

Thankful Thursday

Sometimes it's (very) easy to get caught up in Loss and Sadness and "Wahh. I don't get....."s and forget how much we have. I think part of my depression stems from this, that I get caught in a cycle of this and forget how lucky I am in general, and even in comparison with others in my situation.

So I want to start a tradition where I actually verbalized my thankfulness.  Here it comes, THANKFUL THURSDAY!

This week, I am thankful for my friends who really are amazing,  from babysitting, listening, dog sitting, bringing me drinks. Planning a birthday dinner.  All those things great friends do, they have done.  In particular J and T, who continue to be graceful and kind and to give great advice to my whiny self some days.  I don't have family close, but they have been my family, my support system, my confidantes, and just Friends.  Yes, with a capital. :)

Whiny Wednesday

Yesterday, I spent  a large majority of my day crying.  My kids were at camp, I was busy and doing things on my to-do list.  Suddenly, out of nowhere, I was punched in the stomach with Loss.  Yes, with a capital L.  It might have been the music playing on pandora, might have been just the mundane things I was doing that were just like what we used to do.  But it was there, and the tears flowed freely.

When I blogged last night, I was in the middle of that all.  And then I was ok today, got some crafting done, cleaned the kitchen deeply, and basically felt fine.

Then. Nighttime came.  The kidlets went to bed, and it hit me again.  I feel like I've pinpointed what is bothering me right now, what Loss it is that hurts now.  The lack of companionship, the loneliness when I am truly ALONE.  I've gone through Loss at what we had, Loss at what my kids won't have, Loss of confidence and even embarrassment.  (Still there, can't seem to say I'm divorced, I feel the need to say my husband left me because it seems less on me and more distanced.). But I'm so lonely.

I miss sharing my day with my husband, talking about things i see in the internets or that my friends did or said, observations and thoughts about the world. These things I can't talk to my kidlets about.  I miss sleeping next to a warm body.  I miss sharing responsibility.  I miss sex.  I miss kissing.  I miss Friday night plans at home and date nights and weeknights doing dishes and watching t.v with someone.  Did I mention I miss sex?

See, lonely.

I found this article tonight while looking for the holy grail cure for depression after divorce.  :). While I didn't find that, I found this worthwhile and close to home.

http://www.pbs.org/thisemotionallife/blogs/how-parents-can-prevent-depression-after-divorce

Off to my empty bed to watch tv alone.

Breathing

I feel like I can't  breathe.

I am gasping, grasping, trying to catch up with where my new life is headed because I'm stuck in my old life.

Do you  know how hard it is to walk in this house every day, this house we laughed so much in, argued in, planned in, made love in.  To sleep in this bed.  To eat off dishes we received as wedding presents and wash kids that were made out of love.  To live OUR life alone.
and know its all gone.

There's a huge hole here, and I don't know how to patch it or fill it or just fucking get rid of it.

Tears flow, year old tears that I've apparently stored while too busy to deal with it all.  Easier to just pretend I'm great and strong and "over it."

But now I'm choking on my emotions, as they've been pushed back down too many times.  There's no where else for them to go but up and out.  And I don't want to, but I can't breathe.

Fear...

You know what I'm afraid of?  I'm afraid that I'm never going to be able to have a normal relationship again. I am afraid that I will always be "waiting" for the hurt, always on defense and ready.  I feel like I have put up this barrier because I will never ever forget how much it physically hurt when he left.  Even thinking about it makes me lose my breath, makes me feel nauseous.  I worry that when I do meet someone I will feel so guarded that I won't be able to give of myself.

I hate that.  I hate that he made me like this.  I have always been the kind of person that gives everything to others, been proud of how I would be a friend that would sacrifice for others.  And I can see that even in my own friendships I'm so damn afraid that I will be hurt, so worried about someone making me feel small and insignificant and just of them letting me down, that I"m hesitant to even be hopeful.

Loss of hope.
Loss of openness.
Loss of self worth.

Feelings July 26

I don't know where I want this blog to go. It might be that I just want to talk to myself

It might be tired of telling my friends about the same thing that I'm sure they are sick of hearing about.  I imagine when I'm talking they're thinking, "get over this already it's been almost a year and a half."  Of course they're good friends so they always listen and let me talk and give me great advice or just the pat or a hug.

But there are  sometimes when I get so caught up in life and I realize I haven't thought about everything.   And then suddenly it hits. I am overwhelmed with the sense of loneliness or anger or sadness and regret.  At the same time I want to punch a wall and curl up in a ball and cry.  And while I'm sure that these feelings are "normal" they feel like they're bursting from me and I don't know what to do with them.

So perhaps this is a place where I can get out what I'm feeling. A place where I don't have to burden my friends who might get worried that I'm not moving on.  Maybe I will feel less like exploding if I at least write these things down.

Today I just feel angry. I'm angry that he walked out on what we had built. It may not have been perfect but whose life really is.  I'm angry that he left me to deal with everything. That on top of all the responsibilities of what we had before I  have the added responsibility of trying to do even better by my kids so they don't suffer from this.   That he can go days and weeks without calling and then act upset when they don't want to talk to him.  And that when he is angry or depressed or upset that he just drops off the face of the earth.  When he is tired or busy he just doesn't have to be a parent, as little as he does.  No contact.  No calls.

I hate that he gets to know every single detail of my life but tells me nothing about his.

I hate that even though I want to have a civil friendly relationship so we can raise the kids together and discuss their successes and failures he is unable to even talk to me without being rude or hateful.  Today when I asked to ask him a question after he was done talking to my son, he answered with, "what? ". He won't even allow us to be nice to each other.  So what makes me angry is that not only did he steal the 50 years of marriage from me, he has stolen what could be a kind, cooperative coparenting relationship. He basically wants to have nothing to do with me which isn't realistic for the next 15 years.

I am just angry.